Dr. LeeAnne Del Rio's Blog

New Boundaries

Dr. LeeAnne Del Rio — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 16:50:49 +0000

Creating new patterns of behavior, new expectations, and new boundaries is essential for divorced parents. Once your divorced, your lives are now sepparate, even if it means you have frequent exchanges with your child(ren). I think this is especially difficult if a home used to be shared by both parents and one moved out due to divorce. The other parent may still feel the right to just wlk-in without knocking. This is only one example, but its a clear indication that new boundaries may need to be put into place by first talking about your new expectations of knocking and waiting until the door is answered. Changing the locks in an active option as well.

These new boundaries will end up protecting you, your past spouse, and your child(ren). For example, if you have a date spend the night and your past spouse arrives early. This situation could introduce a new person into your child’s life that you are not ready to do. It could develop into an on-the-spot arguement (also not ideal). As a newly divorced parent or a divorced parent whose life is changing, think about the new boundaries that need to be created to continue a peaceful, loving co-parenting relationship.

New Boundaries

Dr. LeeAnne Del Rio — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 16:50:48 +0000

For personbal free advice, go to :www.thelovingdivorce.com

or buy the book: The Loving Divorce, written by Dr. LeeAnne Del Rio

It’s A New Year! Try A New Approach!

Dr. LeeAnne Del Rio — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 01:04:10 +0000

At the begining of every year, it’s ideal to sit quietly for a moment and assess how your co-parneting relationship is going and how your child(ren) is doing.

I believe that every day is a new day to forgive, try something different, become a better parent, and/ or design your children’s live for the best possible outcomes.

Personally, I will continue to balance my personal needs for dating privacy with my exhusbands, while simonaeously inviting them into my home and family homes for holidays, birthdays, and other family related outings. In the previous year, I spent the most holiday and family outings time with my exhusband. The kids seemed to be at a deeper level peace because they shared time with us together and saw that we had become friends. Althugh I may not consider my exhusbands friends, as we co=parnet together, become as flexible as we can, and live with our children’s best interest in mind, we became allies… all of the small stuff melts away when you realize there needs to be a team effort.

This is not to say that these moments didn’t come at a cost. I’ve been through eye-rolling conversations, de-escalated arguements, had to share family time and uninvite boyfriends for the comfort of my exhusband for holidays, and a never-ending list of frustrations to make sure my children don’t have to witness the anger and hurt I feel over my divorces.

The good news is… it’s working!!!!

Please feel free to ask me any personal questions or receive personalized divorce advice on my website: www.thelovingdivorce.com

Dr. LeeAnne Del Rio

Spring & Summer Outing Together?

Dr. LeeAnne Del Rio — Fri, 29 Apr 2011 18:56:58 +0000

Depending on how well you and your past spouse get along, Spring and Summer are great opportunities to do short outings as a family together. A picnic in the park, icecream out, or a movie experience can show your children that you are all still a family, even though your not a traditional family.

If you and your spouse have trouble sitting int he same room together… you can take the warm Summer weather as an opportunity to try to fake it!… for the kids. Sometimes while you are pretending not to hate eachother, a funny thing happens… you actually find your past spouse tollerable. Try it!

Holiday Divorce Plan

Dr. LeeAnne Del Rio — Fri, 31 Dec 2010 16:06:26 +0000

The holidays are extra chaotic for divorcing families because there are an abundance of exchanges, negotiations, and emotional stress when coordinating with family. Here are a few divorce strategies:

TOP #1 plan of action:

BE FLEXIBLE – remember that your child(ren)’s well-being is the most important. Make Santa come on a different day. Tell visiting families to be flexible because the co-parneting agreements have to come before them to make a peaceful holiday experience for the your children.

#2 -

Don’t argue in front of the children or try to out-buy your exspouse to gain love from your child. The holidays will come and go. What children remember most is the love and sense fo belonging they felt.

#3 – Strive for quality attention and experiences with your child(ren) not the calculated number of days or minutes.

#4 -

Make an agreement not to argue and to be gentle with one another. The holidays are stressful financially, emotionally, physically… that makes it an identifiable time when everyone will easly lose their temper. Be kind to eachother, don’t snap back if snapped at, and try to give the gift of forgiveness.

#5 -

Did I mention – BE FLEXIBLE!!!!!

Happy Holidays!!!

The difference between Backing-Down & De-Escalating

Dr. LeeAnne Del Rio — Sun, 10 Oct 2010 15:29:59 +0000

A reader recently described the de-escalating technique of calming down a conversation as backing-down or giving the other parent their way just to keep an arguement from erupting…

There are distict difference between backing-down and de-escalating an arguement. Many past spouses are emotionally charged and very volitale emotionally. At these moments (and that is all they are… moments), it is best to quiet the storm rather than stir it up into a frenzy. Trying to make any changes in schedule, behaviors, etc… during an emotional meltdown is a fruitless labor. It is much more constructive to wait to have serious conversations or change a pattern when both parents are feeling calm and somewhat reasonable.

With this in mind, de-escalating an arguement is a better choice for that moment. There will always be other times to create positive change, but in front of the child(ren), when one parent is already frustrated or breaking-down, or when either parent is in a hurry to get somewhere is not the time.

Be patient with the situation. Find ways that work for both parents. For example, my past spouse drops-off our son every morning before school, on the days he has him during the week. Although this may seem like a great time to discuss things, generally, it is not because he is in a rush to get to work. Additionaly, our son is standing right there hugging me hello, and huggin g him goodbye.

I found that texting him the issue we need to discuss and then requesting a time that works or him is a better path. Also, if he is angry and expressing himself in front of our son, I simply request to discuss this any other time that works for him that is not in the presence of our son. It shows him my willingness to address the issue but also acknowledges that a new situation needs to be established to discuss these items.

Good Luck! Make peace! Thrive!

De-Escalating During Exchanges

Dr. LeeAnne Del Rio — Sat, 28 Aug 2010 16:03:23 +0000

De-escalating arguements during exchanges takes great self-control and dedication to the mental health of your child(ren).

Here are a few strategies (Taken from my book: The Loving Divorce):

Don’t argue back!!! – Remain calm. State your commitment to discuss this topic at a latertime when the child(ren) is not present.

Don’t fall into a drama trap! – Keep your voice calm, level, and protect your child(ren) from the painful experience of hearing your parents argue and insult one another.

Stay focused!! – don’t let a trigger (and believe me every past spouse knows your triggers) set you off into an arguement.

Don’t address insults or past wounds!!! – If you are called a name or profanity is used repeat the goal to discuss this important issue at a later time. Firing back or addressing the issue will just escalte the arguement.

Good Luck! – Be STRONG!!! Your kids are worth it!!!

Divorce and Money

Dr. LeeAnne Del Rio — Sun, 01 Aug 2010 16:31:16 +0000

Most women expect to get child-support when they get a divorce… Well, many women will not like my perspective on this but child-support payments are not always necessary or fair.

Some examples of when child support is not necessary:

Both parents worked fulltime while parenting and continue to do so.

Both parents care for the children an equal, agreed upon amount of time.

Both parents can afford to house the kids in a safe, health environment.

Although extra money is always welcome in anyone’s pocket, the strain child-support payments creates in a divorce may take its toll on the child(ren) and may be more damaging than it’s worth.

It also maynot be fair… for example when the wife has decided the marriage isn’t working based on boredom or falling in love with someone else, rather than neglect or abuse.

Just some brain candy to think about when putting your child(ren) first.

Divorce – Family

Dr. LeeAnne Del Rio — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 18:38:51 +0000

Divorce does not mean it is the end of your family.

Divorce means that your family is evolving, changing, and the way you used to do things will be different, maybe even better.

The focus for divorcing parents will not easily shift away from themselves and towards their children, but it is exactly what must happen. Your children deserve it.

The first major focus must be on NOT arguing in front or in earshot of the child(ren). This step alone will help your child(ren)find security and may even help them see the divorce as a positive change if there was a lot of arguing in the home leading up to the divorce.

Find ways to stay calm, happy, and thrive in this new style of family. Love and nurture yourself so that you can love and nuture your child(ren).

Consulting

Dr. LeeAnne Del Rio — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 23:08:37 +0000


Dear Dr. Del Rio, Every time my ex-husband drops off our son he uses our exchange as an opportunity to begin an argument. The last time he dropped him off, he began by questioning me on why my outfit looked so sexy for work. He accused, “Why are you all perfumed-up and wearing those sexy clothes? You must be F*$#@ing somebody at work! I knew it!” What am I supposed to do? Our son witnesses this every time we exchange him. He ends up crying. Help me… Attacked Divorcee Dear Attacked Divorcee, First, I applaud you for recognizing a pattern of behavior that is not healthy for your son to witness or conducive for a loving divorce. What I would recommend trying is practicing de-escalating responses that stop an argument dead-in-its-tracks. The practiced response should deescalate, redirect the conversation, and create a consistent new boundary. It may look something like this: “I can hear the anger you are feeling and I will do what I can to support you during this time. However, I refuse to have conversations like these in front of our son. If you need to have these questions responded to, please text them to me and I will respond with answers that I believe are appropriate and conducive to peaceful co-parenting.” Dear Dr. Del Rio, I have been married 11yrs, I think it was a mistake too late to back away from. so now yrs later im miserable, and have a son now. , Husb. seems to think he can control every aspect of our lives,financially,things,everything but what we feel inside.., I dont know how about to go for divorce, what would you recommend or how would I even begin , we live like roommates, theres no intimacy,love,or respect for who i am, hes made me feel lower than low, so i ask, what do i do now.. thank you… Dear Longing for Happiness, I believe many women have experienced the same feelings you reflected in your consulting request and seeking divorce to free yourself from being overly controlled and disrespected is a natural action to take. Getting a legal divorce is as simple as filing paperwork, either through a lawyer or through a service that provides the paperwork for much less money, such as “We the People”. Normally the cost for the paperwork and processing adds-up to be around $500.00 – $1,000.00, without a lawyer. The tough part, for most women who have been under the pressure of a controlling husband, will be telling him your turned-in divorce papers and protecting your son through this process (the first 6 months are the most challenging). It can be very scary. If you feel scared, having friends, family, or police present maybe the safest route, as well as requesting them to stay with you for a while until things cool-down. In my book, The Loving Divorce, I provide several strategies for communicating with an angry past spouse and provide a multitude of strategies for protecting children from the stress of a divorce. One major recommendation is to make sure your son is not in the home or near you, if you choose to tell your husband over the phone. protecting your son during the emotional rollercoaster of divorce is a primary objective. I hope this guides you. Please be safe and protect yourself and your son. Live the life you’ve imagined – Thoreau! Please feel free to contact me with further inquiries.